If you ask any of my friends, they’ll know that I have been having nightmares about the big day for some time now. In fact, I actually started having them BEFORE I was even engaged (12/07). The nightmares always have about the same kind of theme…something’s missing, something’s not done, somebody’s not there.
Some of the different versions I’ve had:
(1) Early on, I probably talked to my sister about the wedding way more than I even talked to Dean about it. So in this version, everything in the wedding went well….except I ended up marrying my sister(!?).
(2) Everything was fine…but after the wedding ended, I realized in horror that there had been no photographer. I remember major sobbing…on Esther’s shoulder.
(3) We got to the reception and the tablecloths were red(!!). (Red is not one of my colors…)
(4) In this version, I think the wedding went by really quickly and it might have been during the reception or just after that I realized we were missing something. I remember thinking, “OH MY GOSH! We didn’t even exchange rings!! What the heck! I didn’t even say ‘I do”!! We didn’t even say our vows!! How could this have happened!? I knew something was going to go wrong!!!”
(5) I wasn’t able to finish all of my wedding projects that I had wanted to do…so there were no pew decorations. (This seemed like a much bigger deal in the nightmare…)
(6) I couldn’t find my wedding accessories…and for some reason, I was supposed to do the ceremony twice. So since I wasn’t ready the first time, my cousin stood in for me?? Nobody seemed to notice/mind. We couldn’t find the accessories because the place was really big and had multiple bathrooms…I guess I had left them in one…and couldn’t find that bathroom again! I remember feeling frantic.
(7) The most recent version involved my dress. For some reason, I was supposed to pick up my dress the morning of the wedding. When we got there, it wasn’t finished!!! The place I was having it made was in this very large building, and there was a specific secret entryway to get to the bridal shop. It took us forever to find it…I remember having to walk through a dark, narrow stairway. Anyway, we got there, and it wasn’t finished, but I had other things I needed to get done, so I left. I sent a bridesmaid or someone else to pick up the dress later on, but I was afraid they wouldn’t be able to find the shop again and that it still wouldn’t be done…there was no ending.
This dream happened the day after I was supposed to have my first fitting for my dress (which was this past Sasturday). The dressmaker called to reschedule on Friday because it wasn’t finished yet. Eeeeeek! It should be ready for my first fitting next Friday, the 27th though.
We just passed the 3-month mark a couple days ago, and I think the stress/worry/anxiety level has slowly been increasing. I don’t think it’s so much that the wedding totally stresses me out…it’s more just that any event in my life out of my normal schedule tends to make me anxious. When I have to sub for a class the next day, I have trouble sleeping the night before. When I have something that I need to wake up early for, I get anxious that I won’t be able to wake up for it. During the summer when I taught summer camp and Dean and I carpooled, I had trouble sleeping at night because I was always worried he’d oversleep, not pick me up, and I’d be late (because he’s done that before!!). So naturally, a wedding would be cause for some anxiety. I haven’t lost much sleep over it yet, just makes the sleep a little less enjoyable!
As with any design project, I find myself immersed in the complete process of thinking, imagining, brainstorming, experimenting, creating, doing…all the time. I love this process. I love visualizing and imagining things and then turning those ideas into reality with my own two hands. But amidst the piles of invitations and programs and menus and lace and tulle and double-sided tape that I rummage through each day, I’m trying to remain focused, grounded…centered. We’re preparing for one special day…but also a lifetime together.
So every now and then, I remember to put my scissors down, turn the sewing machine off, put the glue away, and just sit at His feet for a little while.